I’m sorry I am slacking on this site as of late. You could attribute that to the holiday season, cold weather or the food coma hangover from Thanksgiving. I’m sure all three of these are playing a role, but there’s something else that has been weighing heavily on my mind. I sat up late last night in bed having many conversations with the mister. About our future plans, jobs, work out and eating routines, you name it. But the truth of the matter is, I’m sad. I love my life, I really do. I love my husband, I love my family, I love being back in my hometown, and I love this time of year with so many happy, festive movies playing repeatedly on the TV. I’m not sure what it is but lately I have just found myself obsessing over comparing every little bit of my life to those around me. And I can’t help but think that I’m doing everything wrong. I’m working out so hard but see no changes. I see some of my friends with such incredible careers, chasing after their goals and making them happen and I’m just sitting on this couch. I see younger couples than me having babies with no second thoughts. Girls with effortless wardrobes. Elaborate weddings. Crafting skills. Upbeat and constant facebook statutes, tweets, instagram photos, blog posts. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naive. I know these people have their own worries, concerns and insecurities. Life is constantly changing for everyone and bringing those personal challenges for us to overcome, to be refined and made better and stronger. I guess this is just mine and right now I’m sinking. I feel like I have no direction or motivation. I wish I could magically be skinnier, in shape, a little bit taller. I wish I could just want a baby without thinking of all those scary needles, doctors visits, labor, lack of sleep, not getting to accomplish things that I’ve always wanted to do (but know that most of them won’t really happen…but what if). I wish I could have a whole new wardrobe without dollar bills floating around my head. I wish I could get married every day (to Eric of course) with all of these pretty new dresses coming out and reliving that moment where everything is perfect and all eyes are on you. I wish I could have the desire to make my home a winter wonderland of DIY projects. I wish I could go outside and take pictures of every aspect of my life so I could share my own pictures on this site for once. I wish I could be one of those people who can constantly exude happiness 24/7.
The sin of comparison is so damaging to the spirit. And the worst is I’m doing it to myself. No one is pressuring me to compare, to not be happy for those who are happy. Who knows, maybe I just have to give myself a good cry and will be well. Just getting this out on my online journal here already has me gasping for air above the water, and those first breaths are relieving. I have faith that everything will happen on it’s own time. All the things I truly desire will come right when they need to. For now it’s all about choice, and I choose to be happy – one step at a time.