"BUMP"DATE

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I've been going back and forth about writing any sort of pregnancy updates for some time. On the one hand, I have always loved reading other people's weekly pregnancy posts with all the cute questions that go along with it. On the other, I knew I wanted to keep some parts of my life secret from the online community. I have made some exceptions (this being a lifestyle blog and all), especially if I thought that my words might help someone else out there going through similar circumstances. So with that, I'm hoping I'll be able to eloquently put all of my feelings out there in a way that at least makes sense.

Today I am 23 weeks pregnant, although it might as well be more. For those of you who are new, I had a miscarriage back in October. One of the most difficult things I had ever been through, emotionally and physically. It's surreal to me to think that if everything would have gone smoothly I would have had my baby by now. Even more surreal that our due date now is almost to the day of our miscarriage. I want to emphasize how fortunate we know we are to have the opportunity to get pregnant again after this happened, and so quickly too. Some people have asked me if we think this is our baby that we lost. Eric and I have talked about it and agree that we don't think it is. Call it intuition, but somewhere deep inside I knew that baby wouldn't come back to us. But who knows what we'll come to find in heaven.

One main reason why we've kept this pregnancy under lock and key was because of the difficulty I had during my first trimester. I was practically put on bed rest every other week due to a condition called subchorionic hemorrhages or hematomas, along with a small tear in the sac. About 25% of women have signs of spotting or a little bit of blood during their first trimester, but unfortunately for me this was no slight spotting. TMI but sometimes I would go through four very large pads in the span of one night. That's a lot, even for a normal period. Being someone who had just suffered a miscarriage, you can imagine the amount of alarm, tears and rushed doctors visits we would go to on a weekly basis to make sure everything was still going smoothly. In site of everything we were going through, we decided to take the genetic testing that is now available. We were given the good news that everything with our sweet baby was perfect, no signs of genetic disorders or birth defects. We also were able to find out so soon the gender, a girl!! Good for me, because I have no patience for these types of things :)

At 23 weeks, I feel like I have finally allowed myself to take a deep breathe and fully except that I am pregnant. We kept our pregnancy a secret for a long time, even from our family, because I was so convinced that something was going to go wrong. I wouldn't allow myself to get attached to our baby. I wouldn't even think it. It was killing me inside when I kept seeing all these women around me post on their social media about their pregnancies, people whose due dates were even after mine. They all seemed so blindly and blissfully happy. How amazing to feel no sense of fear to the idea that something might go wrong. It felt like a stab to the heart that I couldn't feel that way. Today I have been suffering with massive amounts of guilt because of it. In a way I feel like I robbed myself of that precious first bonding time with her. I feel late to the game in everything, no name picked out, no nursery furniture, I'm just now getting to the registry. Poor Eric had to give me constant reassurance those first 4 months. I think deep down he wasn't allowing himself to believe it either, because every week when we went in for our doctors appointments he would cry tears of relief hearing the heartbeat. Today I can happily tell you that his favorite thing to do is get super close to my belly and talk to his little girl when he gets home from work. His expression every time she kicks is just about the cutest, I swear! And I love that the first thing he does in the morning when he wakes up is role over and put his hand on my belly. Keeper right there, I tell you! 

I should also be grateful that after making it through those scary first few months, everything really has been smooth sailing! So let's get to those happy updates I know you probably all came here to read in the first place shall we?

How Far Along? 23 weeks!
Weight Gain: 6 pounds, but I'm pretty sure I ate my weight in junk food yesterday sooooo not sure where that will leave me at our appointment next week.
Maternity Clothes: I'm still in my normal clothes thanks to my love of baggy shirts and hair ties for my jeans. I did buy myself a few maternity dresses that I was super pumped to wear but alas they are still a little too big. 
Sleep? I was having pretty bad pain in my hips early on (how could those bad boys get any bigger?) so I finally caved at week 20 and got myself a body pillow. Eric hates it but me and the pillow are having quite an amazing love affair. With that, sleep is going better! Although I have been having the strangest dreams.
Best Moment This Week: Feeling her hiccup. She's been doing karate kicks and punches in there since week 17 but I finally got to feel her little hiccups the other day. At first I thought she was just going to town enjoying my dinner but I finally realized it was her hiccuping. Too funny!
Weird Pregnancy Moment: I guess this isn't really a moment but I've been getting pretty bad nose bleeds every week. It always happens at night when I'm getting ready for bed. What is it with me and bleeding during this pregnancy?! She might just be the death of me, but worth every second. 
Movement: All. The. Time. That should be interesting once she finally gets here....
Food Cravings: This little one is going to come out a 20 inch long cheeto, I swear it!!!
Morning Sickness: I was very lucky to escape any sort of morning sickness. I guess that's the trade off for all the blood loss. 
What I'm Looking Forward To: Finding out if she will have blue eyes like her mama or brown like her dad. I guess we'll see in 17 weeks!!!
xoxo

25 comments:

  1. you are lovely & your words are so inspiring. so excited for you & baby girl!

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  2. ahhh!! Congratulations! You look absolutely beautiful! I'm looking forward to tagging a long on this extra special journey and am so, so happy for you!

    xoxo,
    Lisa

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  3. awe you look lovely, congrat's!

    https://tarinobambino.squarespace.com/tarinobambinoblogs/

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  4. Congratulations with your 'Little Lady' :) Children are truly a blessing. Being pregnant myself I can totally relate to your message. I never knew I was pregnant until we were 3 months. Being a newly wed, I mistook the pregnancy signs for the side effects of the contraceptive. When we found out I burst into tears - not of joy but of guilt already blaming myself if anything were to happen to my baby. You see, just a few weeks prior to the big news, I celebrated my 30th birthday with a big bash (it was a champagne frenzy). Unbeknown there was a little life growing inside of me. I was ripping myself apart on the inside consumed by the guilt for the first few months and did not even feel like celebrating my baby - I thought of myself as a terrible mom. But with the help of my husband and family I was able to forgive myself, start the healing process and bond with my baby. Today we are 28 weeks and cannot wait to hold our son!

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  5. When I saw your bump on instagram few weeks ago, I was so happy for you. I knew what you two went through, so I also knew how happy and frighten you must be now. I have to say that second trimester is divine, you start to feel baby kicks and still have strength for other things. I'm in third trimester now, and I'm still enjoying it, although I'm sleeping most of the time, since it's too hot for my baby bump and my acking legs. I wish you all the luck in the world and healthy little girl!
    xx
    http://littlemisstwiggy.blogspot.com/2015/06/white-with-hint-of-pink.html

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  6. So excited for you my friend! You look brilliantly darling! Baby girl is going to be so extremely beautiful! Many prayers and blessings in the weeks in front of you!

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  7. congratulations, sweet lady! You are one gorg pregnant women.

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  8. Congrats... a sweet little girl!! My Daughter will be 1 yr old tomorrow, exciting times. You look amazing. take care and rest a LOT.

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  9. So happy and excited for you!! Motherhood is amazing!

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  10. lovely and congrats!

    www.bstylevoyage.blogspot.com

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  11. congrats! I'm due in 3 days, and although I can't understand the medical issues or the intense fear of the first trimester, I can definitely understand the bonding issue. I honestly think a lot of women go through it, especially up until you find out the gender and you start feeling movements. I would post photos on instagram and I was oh so excited, but it seemed like my husband was bonding more with our child than I was. It just couldn't really wrap my mind around the fact that there was actually a child that I will raise in my stomach since I didn't have much of a bump and I couldn't feel anything, I just feel sick. But, when we found out it was a boy at 17 weeks and the next few weeks I really started to feel movements, it's like all the emotions I was holding back finally came to me. I was ready to name him and everything. So, don't beat yourself up too bad about it, it's definitely okay to have complex emotions about it all.
    Also, if it makes you feel any better, because of my husband's work and schooling, we didn't do any baby showers until 35 weeks and even though I'm due on Sunday, we still haven't received our nursery furniture yet. Oh, and we didn't do a birthing class and I switched doctors and hospitals at 30 weeks (I haven't even been to the new hospital!) So, hopefully that makes you feel a little more prepared. haha. :) Good luck!

    www.laviedehart.blogspot.com

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  12. so so excited for you. this is the sweetest post. you will be such an amazing mother xx

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  13. This post is so beautifully written. I also went through a miscarriage last fall, and it's encouraging to hear how you've coped and are now planning for a sweet little one. Thanks for sharing those brave words. Looking forward to your updates and best of luck with your pregnancy!
    Katelyn // The Suitcase Blonde

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  14. your story is a similar situation to my parents. my mom suffered from the same condition when pregnant with me, and the doctor's thought i would not make it. she wouldn't let herself get attached because they even assumed they had lost me at one point. but, here i am! 20 and very much alive and well :) my mama always says once i was born, it was all the sweeter. she had my sister before me with pure ignorant bliss. but she always says, holding me the day i was born, she held me a little tighter knowing she could have lost me. and we've made up for lost bonding time. don't let guilt of the past rob you from experiencing the now. prayers your way, and enjoy that baby bump!

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  15. i'm so happy for you & your husband to have your little one! i can imagine how scary it was in the beginning, i can't imagine going through something like that, but so exciting now that you know she is a healthy little babe! you're such a cute mama to be :)
    xo
    kerry

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  16. You look fantastic! I had a miscarriage shortly before getting pregnant with our son, so I can totally relate to what you're going through. At times when I was pregnant with Ryder I felt robbed of the joy of the pregnancy because I was so paranoid that we'd be left in heartbreak again. That was a little bit hard for me to let go of. But I am so happy for you and I'm glad that you're feeling good about everything now. Can't wait to see your precious daughter!

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  17. you look SO beautiful! and i'm so, so sorry about the bumpy start. there are so many fears and uncertainties that come with pregnancy and i'm so sorry you had to go through that. but i'm glad things are looking up and you're feeling better! :)

    aaaand apparently nose bleeds are a pregnancy symptom! something about the extra blood flow or something...ha i can't remember the exact reasoning but my pregnancy app said it was a symptom, so it must be true ;)

    and thanks for sharing - i have loved reading other people's experiences! it reminds me that i'm not alone :)

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  18. I am so happy for you!! I have been dying to hear how everything was going. You are in my prayers!

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  19. YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL PREGNANT!!!!! And yay for skipping morning sickness!!! I had it my entire pregnancy!

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  20. this is the sweetest bumpdate! i'm glad everything is going so well for you <3

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  21. you look wonderful! <3 So glad to see things are going well for you!!! :D

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  22. So lovely! I can't imagine how scary those first 4 months must have been.

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  23. OMG, Congrats! You look adorable! I'm glad you doing well.

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