MISCARRIAGES AND MOVING FORWARD


I've been going back and forth about posting this for some time now. I've written it, deleted it, wrote it again, left it in draft format, and there it sat, collecting dust, and serving as a constant reminder of its presence every time I signed into blogger. There is no eloquent way to write this. I had a miscarriage. It was painful both physically and emotionally, and something, I am slowly learning, will be with me for the rest of my life. Moments will pass, milestones that you had mentally written down, that will go by unnoticed by anyone else but me and Eric.

Miscarriages are a funny thing. There are no badges of honor, no walkathons or t-shirts to encourage awareness. Most conversations about miscarriages always end with "Don't worry, I know other people who have had one too and went on to have lots of healthy babies." Of course everyone means well, but what I'm hearing instead is that my extraordinary sadness is in fact ordinary, insignificant, unremarkable. Why, at this moment, would I want to hear about someone else's miscarriage when I'm lying on my bathroom floor trying to lift a million pounds of failure, embarrassment and disappointment off my chest?

It's been a few weeks now, and still I catch myself crying out every now and again. Anger, sadness, loneliness. This holiday season has especially proven to be a hard one. We were going to surprise our parents Thanksgiving day by sharing the news. We were going to hold out and reveal the baby gender Christmas morning. Instead, there was no exciting news to share over Thanksgiving day, and there is no pretty envelope waiting under the Christmas tree.

I've been working hard to be kind to my body these past few weeks. Slowly getting myself back into the gym, eating healthier and taking lots of naps. Since miscarriages seem to be a big taboo I'll give it to you straight. Let's talk break outs for a second because that's happening. Your body already feels broken as it is, let's add a few pimples to the mix to really drive that stake through your self confidence. Hormones are also a b*tch! Never have I ever wanted so badly to have my period back. Food is a common enemy. For some reason all that ever sounds good is soup? And anxiety is off the charts! Let me tell you about my new pen pal, medical bills. Those things keep flying in like Harry Potter's acceptance letters into Hogwarts.

We've kept this miscarriage a secret for a while now. Only my closest friends and our immediate family were given the news. Truthfully, that was what I needed at the time. But now that a little time has passed and the scars are beginning to heal I feel ready. I'm ready to break the silence, to get back into my regular routine and to just be honest. You have no idea how much weight is being lifted off my chest right now just being able to type this all out. Who knew blog posts could be so therapeutic!

The best way I can express my thoughts now, moving forward, come to you by an amazing New York Times article I read a few weeks back. "I can tell you that I want people to know. I don't want it to be a secret or a shadow or something that is endured only alone. I want people to know that I have been through something, that I am tired but optimistic, that I've been knocked down but don't help me up because I can get up myself. It's fair, I think, to want witnesses for our suffering. But with the sorrow also comes hope. And after all, we are resilient creatures."

I thank you all for taking the time to read this, for your understanding and for your empathy. Please, positive comments are much appreciated. And for any of you who may be going through similar circumstances, feel free to email me. If only for a listening ear, I am here. I love you all, be kind to yourselves.
xoxo

photo image via.

57 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. I know exactly how you feel, I've had two myself. It's never an easy situation. Sending you lots of love <3

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  2. TJ, I am so sorry you are going through this pain. I can only send prayers your way and wish for those scars to continue to heal.
    Sending you love from Ohio.
    xo
    Alexandria.

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  3. I am so so sorry for your loss. I have no idea what that feels like but I can only imagine how unbearable it is... You will be in my thoughts, love.

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  4. Sending big hugs your way Bird.
    xx

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  5. I'm so sorry to hear that little lady.... Sending you lots of love! You are strong :)

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  6. I am so sorry to hear that this happened. I had two this year and I know how they wrecked havoc on me emotionally and physically. It makes being optimistic about a future healthy pregnancy difficult. Just keep on taking care of yourself like you are and I hope that when you are ready that you will be able to experience a healthy and happy pregnancy.

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  7. I am so sorry to hear this! My heart broke for you reading this. My prayers are with you!

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  8. Empty arms & a broken heart. There are no words. Good for you for sharing. When I did the same, it seemed to help. It's a terrible club to be a part of. My mama hurting heart aches for your mama heart. Christmas especially is hard for me as it was my baby's due date. Hugs...

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  9. Mostly I just insta-stalk you, but I felt compelled to comment. I can't imagine the pain you've had to endure these last few weeks with your loss, and I'm so sorry that you've been given this trial to go through. I hope that as time passes you will heal. My heart aches for you!

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  10. Giving hugs TJ! Love you lady!

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  11. I'm so sorry, TJ. I never know what to say in times like this, but I want you to know that I'm sending positive vibes your way and that you have a lot of readers who care about you and your wellbeing. XOXO

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  12. Dear sweet Tanya, I'm so sorry to learn about your miscarriage. I can only imagine what you are going through. Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. Lots of love.

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  13. I am so, so sorry for your loss. My mom has had a few, but also has 8 healthy kids (I know you said that sort of thing doesn't make a person feel better, but I did want to share). I hope your heart heals quickly. <3

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  14. Oh Tanya, thanks so much for being brave enough to write about this. People need to hear about it. Miscarriages suck...been there myself. It is soo hard to deal with. I'm glad you are being kind to yourself and working on healing with Eric. All my love to you as you move on to the next thing to look forward to. I love you, cousin.

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  15. My heart is with you dear. I am truly sorry for what you've had to endure. Sharing a hug with you! <3

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  16. I'm so sorry for your loss! I had two miscarriages quite close together last year. They will always be a part of me. It is something only those who have experienced can truly understand. There is hope though as I am lying here next to my 7 month old daughter. She is my miracle! Praying for you during this difficult time.

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  17. my friend went through this few times and i can saw her sadness too.and i truly understand your feelings..you did well in picking up your life back.you do well,girl!! you're really brave!

    xo joselovincolors
    www.joselovincolors.com

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  18. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss.
    Sending you hugs and prayers.

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  19. you wrote this beautifully, and it was very moving. thoughts & love sent your way. xo

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  20. Oh sweet girl, I wish there was something I could say. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband xx

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  21. Thie whole morning I've been thinking of what I want to say....trying to find the words...
    One of the first things in my head this morning was "No way!! Not her!!"
    Then it was... "Please girl, be strong!"
    Thank you for being brave to share it... for being brave to speak up...
    I think that's one of the greatest fears of almost every girl and unfortunately I see more and more cases of this fear come alive....
    All I want to say that for all these years that I've been following you you've got more and more light, I saw you growing into a bright and a sunny person....
    So now I want to say... hang on!!! Even thought a part of you is gone now, keep that light inside, no matter how hard it is at the moment....
    Be strong!!! Be great!!! You can do it!!! I believe in you!!!!!
    And may the greatest happiness come to your life!!!

    Natasha

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  22. You're so compassionate and caring and feeling. You're going to be a wonderful mom. It will happen. Until then, know that you're loved and lots of people are thinking of you and praying for you!

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  23. I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I've never had a similar experience so won't belittle what's happened to you by saying I know what you're feeling - I don't, but my thoughts are with you, and I hope it gets easier.

    If you ever feel like randomly spending a week in London with someone you've never met (in person) as part of the recovery process, my door is open to you.

    Love to you both.

    Charlotte x
    Charlotte's Web

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  24. I can not say anything that could be even near to the feelings of the people that went or going through it, but I m a child that came after 8 years of my parents marriage and I heard about the feelings from my mother and can undertsand other people suffering. Not that long ago I read the storry 'The Aquarium' by Aleksandar Hemon about the loss of his daughter and can't remember when I was more touched by something. It is not easy to talk about it, but it is always liberating. Even for the person whi is only reading or listening about it or about anything hard in life, it makes it easier to accept our own hard moments and emotional breakdowns. xx

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  25. I knew you were having a hard time, but never thought this was the reason!
    I'm so sorry sweety! I truly am!

    And I'm glad that sharing it with us made you feel a little bit better!

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  26. That's so sad to hear.. you are a strong woman!! Lots of love for you two! X

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  27. I've never had a miscarriage but having struggled with infertility I can rate to a a lot of the emotions. I hope you have comfort and peace at this time.
    My friend just went through a miscarriage and blogged about it. I think she did a great job and it might help you- check out her two most recent posts: http://alexislaughs.blogspot.com/?m=1

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  28. Here are a few others that may help as well.
    http://www.todaysthebestday.com/healing-after-a-miscarriage/
    http://www.scissortailsilk.com/2013/09/01/hope-after-miscarriage/

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  29. Sending so much love to you and Eric this holiday season! And praying for peace and comfort for you in the time to come. xx

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  30. I don't comment often, but I just wanted to say how very sorry I am for your loss... your pain is not little or ordinary and I hope you both can find some peace this holiday season. Love and light!

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  31. It was so brave of you to write this post. I just sent you an email and will be praying for you and your husband.

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  32. I am sorry to hear this. Please know that I am thinking of you and your husband. You are stronger than you believe, this blogpost was so honest and I admire you for your honesty and sharing this part of your life with us!

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  33. Indeed, we are resilient creatures. I believe in your strength and your goodness, which I know will help pick you up after your suffering. I am so sorry to hear that you have been through such pain and sadness, but I am sending all of my good thoughts and wishes your way!

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  34. I'm terribly sorry to hear this. Prayers for you! That quote you ended with is perfect.

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  35. I am so sorry! Sending you much love right now.

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  36. i'm so sorry, i'm thinking of you both xx

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  37. <3<3 Wish I could hug you tight, little lady.

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  38. TJ, I missed seeing your beautiful face and now I know what pain you've been going though. I am so so so terribly sorry. My heart aches for you, but I feel your resilience through this post. You will heal. It will take time, but I know you will. I'm praying and thinking of you always.

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  39. All I can say is I'm sorry. Be strong and you're doing an amazing job

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  40. It's hard to know what to say. Just know that my heart breaks for you and your husband.

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  41. Wishing you peace and strength through this time, you are in our prayers. And, yes, you are never alone, and I am so glad that you shared this beautiful post for others to read. (hugs)
    /Madison

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  42. Oh, TJ. I am so, so sorry. I know there's nothing anyone can say or do to take that ache away. Praying for you and your husband, for peace and comfort.

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  43. I know what I have to say probably won't help, but by mom had a terrible time trying to get pregnant with me. Two miscarriages and six years later, I was born. A few years ago my mom shared with me the quote that helped her it all and it's carried me through a lot as well. I can't even begin to understand your pain. My heart is aching for you and my prayers are with you!


    “Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.” Joseph F. Smith

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  44. I am so so sorry for your loss, TJ. Your strength to share this part of your story (and so beautifully) is a truly lovely thing, lady. You are an inspiration to many! Sending lots of hugs to you and your husband during this difficult time.

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  45. I have so few words to say here as I've never experienced anything so hard or heartbreaking. But I just want to say you are beautiful and inspiring and my thoughts are sent your way. Keep your head up and heart strong 💛

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  46. Oh God, I am so so sorry to hear this! It's difficult to say something to relieve your pain, but I hope you have a good support system around you and I guess you know this by now, but time is the best healer. I wish you to stay very strong and I really think time will help you as it's passing by. Sending you hugs and all of the best thoughts! x

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  47. Oh TJ I am so sorry to read such sad news. You are one beautiful person that I have greatly enjoyed learning about and following along from a distance these past few years. I know great things are in store for you and Eric. The best is yet to come. With that said, I'll keep you in my prayers ;).

    xo

    Michaela

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  48. I am so sorry to hear this... Now, I also wasn't writing anything since we found out that I'm pregnant, our first visit to the doctor wasn't good, her couldn't see our baby, and I was almost 8 weeks pregnant. So he started talking about abortion, and it was very painful... But he told us to wait just for one week more, to be sure. And after 10 days, we went to visit him again, and he saw it. Our little baby. It seems that I have been pregnant less than we thought. Now we are expecting our second checkup and we are praying that everything is OK with our baby. I didn't write about it, and I still won't, we will wait untill that checkup. So, I know how horrible it feels to hear that your baby is gone. I've been there, I know that feeling. But, you have to think positive, if it had to happen, than it is better that it happened now, and not later. I will pray for both of you, to have a baby soon. And you keep your head up, put a big smile on, 'cause your young and you have each other, and you will get pregnant again in no time. Kisses from us..
    xx
    http://littlemisstwiggy.blogspot.com/2014/12/back-again.html

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  49. I had a miscarriage this summer and it was miserable. I didn't want to talk about it either, at least to anyone other than friends and family. It is devastating and all you can think of are the things that you could have done different, at least that's what went through my mind. I didn't want to get pregnant again for a while because of the hurt I felt. It was almost like falling in love and losing your sweetheart; it is hard to move on. People who haven't had miscarriages don't understand how much you love that little bean already. How much you imagine them as a little person and holding them in your arms someday. Anyway, I'm sorry you had to go through a miscarriage. I'd like to say you move one and life gets better, but you always remember the little person. The hurt may lessen, but they will always be in the back of your mind and heart.

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  50. I'm so sorry :( I cannot imagine what you must be feeling.

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  51. I honestly have no words for you aside from a humble "I'm sorry for your loss" and even that just doesn't seem adequate. It's hard to know what to say to another, especially when this sort of pain and loss hasn't been experienced before. I actually don't know of anyone who has gone through this, then again perhaps they have but decided to hold it all in. With that I highly applaud you for sharing this news, especially with us, I'm sure your brave words served as comfort to another, perhaps even gifting them the courage to go forth and share.

    Sxx
    www.daringcoco.com

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  52. I know you are going to get 1 million comments on this but I also know from experience that every one is important to receive. While I have not miscarried, my husband and I have been trying for two years and have not conceived. I recently started opening up about it on my blog. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope healing and peace come quickly.

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  53. No, you're an all-star! Such beautiful words and love for you!

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You're an all-star!

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