something on my mind lately

while home for the holidays i was reminded of something that has been missing for a while. 

myself. 


for the five months i've been living out here in utah i have done a lot of sitting, watching tv, eating, and walking. all by myself.

and this is not like me. 

i am an outgoing, bubbly, and confident person to be around. i'm the type of person who is not afraid to make a fool of herself, who does anything and everything for their friends, and likes to be the life of the party. 

i don't know what happened between here and back home. i miss having friends. i miss being active. i miss being busy. i miss the old me. 

i feel that for the past five months i have been playing it "safe". i have been playing the victim, like that one girl in high school we all knew too well who was too scared to show the true part of herself. and i don't want to be like that anymore. it's time to let this bird fly. 

 find myself, set her free.

67 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing this TJ! Hope you are able to stop playing it safe and get back to the old you! If it helps, your bubbly personality generally comes through on your blog here. :)

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  2. I can't imagine moving somewhere new and starting over with friends and relationships. Hoping you can find some relationships that bring out that side of you!

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  3. Cheers to that lady! I hope you are able to find that other side of you soon she seems like one awesome person. But, I don't think it will take long because she comes out in you're writing.

    -Katie

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  4. This was so me for definitely part, if not the whole, of last year. I had also moved again and the friends I thought would be there for me just seemed to disappeared. So this year I am trying to do more stuff even if it is still by myself instead of staying in I am visiting new places and trying new things and hopefully the old me will reappear.

    It's a shame we don't live near each toher because the we could hang out--but I am sure the old you will reappear in no time.

    And remember "Go Big or go home" it's my mantra at the moment.

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  5. This happened to me when I got married. I had to quit being the loud party girl and settle down into the perfect housewife. It was hard... but I think that as we grow the simple things [like sitting watching tv and walking all alone] become our most cherished times. Embrace it. You're still you. I promise you TJ.. I thought it was a bad thing, too.. and that was 3 years ago.. I am 24 and would much rather have a glass of red wine and a good book than be at any party! :)

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  6. ahhh i fell you (: im naturally outgoing.. yet i want to be alone sometimes..

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  7. I feel like that a lot when I move. Plus, not having a job makes it worse. Perhaps you should look into volunteering activities nearby while you job search. Good luck.

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  8. I think sometimes life changes us when we aren't expecting it and then waits for us to figure out the missing pieces. I'm sure the girl you were before still peeks her head out from time to time, but maybe you just need to step out of the comfort zone that's been created for you there!

    I hope you're able to. :)

    xoxo, ashley
    afterninetofive.net

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  9. when my husband and I got married we left my territory and moved to his {sigh}. It was tough at first. I was used to never being alone. ever. But I realized no one was going to do it for me.

    Your realization is a tough one, but oh so true. get out there, girl!

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  10. I go through these slumps every few years I feel. For me, it's like a 'life spring cleaning' kind of thing... makes you miss what is genuinely important to you! Moving away from everything you know sucks, but everything you know, still exists! It just needs a phone call or a plane ticket now ; )

    -meesch
    http://www.aperfectkindofday.com

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  11. I've gone through this too! Good for you for recognizing it and making a change. Never neglect you!! :D

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  12. oh my. i've been there before girl. i hate when i let myself revert into this place where i know i'm not being myself! praying that you can easily find your way out and feel yourself again! xo

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  13. I just experienced this when I moved to Dallas this past summer. It is hard to always be yourself when your in a completely new situation. You seem like a really fun person to be around though just from reading your blog! I hope your able to feel like your being your true self again soon!

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  14. It takes a lot of personality just to say this at all. You seem like such an awesome person which is why I follow your blog :) You just need to find your groove in your new home, aaaaaand maybe get a puppy. They make anyone's day better :)

    XO,
    Erin
    http://erinscurrentlycoveting.blogspot.com/

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  15. I can totally relate to you since moving to America in November. Especially with the weather lately all i've been really doing since moving is blogging, poking the internet and day time TV. And because i'm not really doing stuff or getting out during the day I can feel myself getting cranky.

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  16. Free yourself girl! People will notice your spirit and fall in love with your personality in no time, if you let them.

    xo L.

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  17. i know what it feels to not be able to be you.
    that's exactly what happened to me when i moved
    to California from Argentina. I was only 11 and
    did not speak the language. It was so hard for me
    to get out there and be myself around this people
    that could not understand me. You'll get there love,
    just gotta think straight and make that change. I
    hope this works out for you girl :) best of luck



    xoxo
    Melina ♥
    www.onlyaflightaway.blogspot.com

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  18. I've been there lady. I hope you're able to set yourself free.

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  19. I know the feeling lady. I hope you're able to set yourself free.

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  20. i get the same feeling now a days. good luck finding yourself!

    http://underthefluorescents.blogspot.com/

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  21. haha I was TOTALLY that girl in high school ;)
    It's hard to move to a new place but it sounds like you will figure it out :)

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  22. I totally know what you mean, girly. It's hard moving to a totally new place and not knowing anyone. It's pretty easy to sit at home and feel a little bit sorry for yourself and reminisce on the "good ole days." Way to be ready to get back to yourself! Go get 'em, girly!

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  23. i totally know what you mean! i originally went to school with three close friends and now i am all on my own. but honestly, it was the best thing! it taught me how to step outside of my comfort zone, make new friends, have crazy life changing experiences!! God always provides exactly what you need, i am sure incredible friends will make their way into your life soon enough! as for now, do the things you love and go places you think are cool and introduce yourself to everyone! good luck, girl!

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  24. You go girl! You got this! :)

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  25. Sometimes it's good to be able to do things ourselves. Builds a sense of empowerment that we can survive on our own, too (at least it does for me to not have to rely on others)! You'll find that good group of friends out there - I can feel it. Hang in there. You've got this, momma! Go do YOU! <3.
    xx.

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  26. Sad Tanya! I work all by myself all day long and it gets so lonely. I almost get stuck in a rut or something, because by the time my husband gets home from work, I have no energy to do anything because I've been alone all day. I really do think that we feed off of other people's energy. And without people I go into this funk. Maybe that's what you have?

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  27. Ah, I feel sad for you. It's not cool to be lonely...
    Good luck, girl ;-)!

    Anna,
    StyleMakes-Sense.blogspot.com

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  28. when i first got married, we moved and i found myself in this exact boat. it was so hard. i was seriously despressed and i thought i should be this bouncing happy newlywed, but i was so overwhelmed with all the "new changes" and being so alone while hubby was at work that i went in such a downward spiral. i totally. i really encourage you to just go somewhere-- even if it means just taking your laptop to starbucks-- and be around people. i'm the same way as you, i'm a people lover :) i'm in a similar season of life again, 5 years later, but i'm more okay with being alone. but i often need to get out and still go to the coffee shop or just walk around target if friends are busy. i'm praying for you, girl :) always here if you wanna chat!! xo

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  29. aw, let go and be free honey! i think we all go through phases like this from time to time.

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    1. It's good that realize it! Go, go now and be free! :)

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  30. I know how you're feeling girl. I'm kind of in the same boat right now! It's no bueno. :( Only mine is I live in Utah but all my friends have gotten married and moved away! My husband and I are feeling like we have no friends or anything right now. It's kind of lame. Which is why we switched schools and will be moving soon (Yay!) We are hoping Provo will be a little better.

    Xo,Brielle

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  31. girl, make a weekend trip to jackson hole! nothing like a little getaway to re-boost the soul.

    xoxo the egg out west.

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  32. when i get back to provo in april, if you're still there...we are setting up a date- all the hot spots utah county has to offer. it'll be a blast.

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  33. thanks for visiting my blog! i hope to see you again soon!!

    allister bee blog

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  34. can i just tell you i have watched INFINITELY more tv since i got married than ever before in my life? mr. dtf is always busy with work & school & i always seem to have all this time to fill up. let me know if you figure out how to fix this problem... i could use the same advice you seem to be seeking.

    love,
    mrs. dtf

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  35. it can be hard when you move to a new location, so just jump out there!! do something you have never done before, a place where you can meet friends and get back to the tanya that you truly are!

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  36. Ah I feel ya. Since moving to LA a few years ago (even though it's only 45 minutes from where I grew up) it's been hard to meet new people :( I'm lucky becuase i can go "home" any time I want/need.

    You seem like a great, fun person. Have you tried joining any Meetup Groups? That may be a way to mingle with new people :)

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  37. it's hard being in a new place and finding your groove... It's really intimidating but hopefully everything works out and you can find a place and people you're comfortable with!

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  38. This reminded me of how I felt when I first moved out to KS. Except it took a whole year for me to set that bird free. Sending a prayer your way that you can do it sooner than that!
    :) Cheers,
    Anna

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  39. I feel the same way :( Being away from the place you knew and the people you are close to is hard! I currently am going through the same thing.. It sucks!

    If you need a friend, I'm your girl! :)

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  40. You're definitely that outgoing, bubble, spirited girl on your blog! It would really be a shame not to share that liveliness with more people. I'll be praying that you find a way.

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  41. Ah, with so many moves... i have felt like that often. It's nice that you can actually reflect on that and come to those realizations. One thing I know is that i LOVE reading your blog and your bright and fun personality.


    xo everything-pretty.com

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  42. I think we all go through moments like this in life...where we try to discover who we are, who we should be, who others want us to be..but being true to ourselves is most important! :) You are awesome girlie

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  43. I'm currently in one of those funks. But as Erin said everyone goes through it! Your gorgeous and SO sweet and I'm sure you will have no problem letting the birds fly! haha on a random note to cheer you up I totally was blogging the other night and my boyfriend walked over and asked what I was doing! Of course I was reading your blog and was like ahh not much commenting on one of my blog besties and he busted out laughing at me for saying that! I just told him he didn't understand the blogging world lol

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  44. love your blog, it's great!
    keep it up, and i'll be sure to come back for more!

    -COSMICaroline
    www.COSMICaroline.com

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  45. oh I felt like i could have been reading a past entry from my own journal...I so feel you!! I grew up in Washington where I had my family and closest friends, then college came into the picture and that's social-life-heaven :) Moving to Utah with my husband into an area with established/older families was SUCH an adjustment. *sigh* Like you, I am so blessed to have my best friend (hubs) with me, but there were lots of lonely days at home that's for sure. I've become more of a home-body (especially with my little boy:) and I'm working on making friends...and finding a balance that I'm happy with. BUT part of me longs for the days when I lived near my family and friends. It does make the time together with them that much more special though :) Hugs to you!!

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  46. I feel ya girl. even though i've lived in seattle for two years, there are still tough days. moving away from the place you grew up is a challenge. keep your head up!

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  47. lovely words. it is not always the easiest to recognize that you have lost a piece of yourself...i have definitely been there...but when you finally do - & you are truly determined - you'll get it back :) go out there and kick some butt!!! XO brynn

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  48. Those times are so tough, when you feel like you're missing something. Just remember you have your amazing man by your side! Try to find fun activities around town..the best thing that works for me is throwing myself into something I love and am passionate about! That always brings reminds me of who I am and what I'm doing.

    You'll figure it out! =)

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  49. Good luck SIL. I know that moving and being in a completely new situation is hard!

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  50. no time like the present my friend!

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  51. Really like this. You can do it! Take risks! Be even crazier than you were in high school! I think a lot of us can relate to this when we move somewhere new and completely out of our comfort zone... I almost feel the same way over here. This post is totally inspiring.

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  52. Oh girl, every since graduating from college I've felt this way. I had a wonderful baby and moved to the total opposite side of the country. Me and Netflix and Nutella toast are very, very good friends. It isn't until I reunite with my crazy sisters that I feel like my crazy self again. Don't worry--in time you'll make friends that will become your sisters and you won't even remember the last time you weren't yourself :)

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  53. I'm feeling like I'm in a bit of a funk as well, here's to getting out of it!

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  54. Recogonizing that you are missing a little bit of yourself is the first step! You know what you need to do and what will get you feeling good! :) Great post, thanks for sharing!

    Kristal

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  55. come hang out with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

    i live and provo. if you need sources of entertainment... jane and i happen to have a few :)

    xoxo
    harley.

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  56. Oh gosh, I know what you're going through. I've been married almost 8 months now, and the first 3 were spent in Portland, where Ryan worked from 7am-11pm EVERY. DAY. I was ridiculously miserable. I can totally see how hard it would be to meet new people & friends if you haven't lived here for very long and if you aren't going to school to meet all the marrieds. You should try just havin' lunch in the BYU Cougareat and find new people who are sitting there for lunch. I know that sounds crazy. But I've seriously met some of my good friends by doing that! Orrr email me and we can set something up, I'm livin' in Orem and the husby just got a job from 2-9pm :/ And hey, it WILL get better, just gotta put your bubbly self out there for people to enjoy. What do you have to lose? I mean really? :)

    Bri
    http://breezydaysblog.blogspot.com/

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  57. Not too long ago I felt that way too. I felt something was missing, that I realized I'm not exactly the same person I used to be. I'm sure you'll get out of this funk, after all the first step is to realize that something is missing and well, you've done that. Try to get in touch with a few old friends, maybe call them or plan a little get together.

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  58. Sometimes I feel like that too but the biggest thing is in knowing and recognizing what you need to change...spread your wings lady and fly!! Have fun with it:-)

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  59. I think everyone goes through a time in there life where its just different, as you were saying in your post, things change, you dont feel like the norm. But it will get better! When im feeling like that at times, I seriously take myself to the mall, or go to the movies alone {did that the other day w Zo!} and it kinda helps collect my thoughts...On the other hand, you live in Ut, I live in Ut, we could get together and have lunch sometime! : )

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  60. Hon, I think we go through seasons of these times. There must be something deeper here, and I bet if you keep seeking and digging, you will find it.
    But be gentle on yourself and allow and welcome these seasons, because most like you are going through some sort of growing pains...i think it's so so good and important to be a seeker, and i know that is what you are b/c of this very post.
    xo

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  61. I became a hermit the last 2 years and didn't really realize it. I just started to want to be alone and just not do anything. I fell into a slump and now I'm trying to pull myself out of it. I know your move has probably made everything so hard for you. I hope you can find the old you again soon!

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  62. Totally feel your pain here! I've been pretty much doing the same thing ever since I moved to Norway, and like you I normally have lots of friends! It's been weird being a loner for the last 5-6 months, but I am glad to know I am not the only one :D I'm planning on trying to get back to myself this year, too--wish you the best of luck with your goals, I am sure you will be feeling better than ever in no time!

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  63. I feel you girl! I have been the same way. It's weird how sometime it takes a remarkably long time to even notice it in ourselves. Then one day you realize what a shmuck you've been and decide it's time to get back to your real self. So many more happy times come along when you're being you. Good luck finding her:)

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